Christian Sexual Addiction Recovery

Sober Husband - Cold Wife

2011-10-26T18:18:00.000-07:00

Iwas recently on a panel at a marriage conference, answering questions posed bythe audience. There were about 100attendees and more than 30 questions prepared in advance on 3x5 cards. Needless to say, there is no way we couldrespond to all of the questions in the 45 minutes or so that we had.

Two of the questions addressedlack of sex in their marriage. One,signed by SAD HUSBAND, had been married 25 years and enjoyed sex about 10times. The other stated he had beensexually sober for 3 years, but his wife refused to have sex.

While there are several issuesthat need to be addressed, they both have similarities that can be tackledhere. If Sad Husband has been engagingin adultery or infidelity of any kind, either virtual or physical, he must gethelp through a counselor and possibly a 12 step group. If there is infidelity, his wife is going toknow that something is wrong and whether or not she knows of his betrayal, sheis likely to be guarded in her relationship with him.

First of all let me congratulatethe husband who has been sexually sober for 3 years. You have obviously done immense and verydifficult work. I can only imagine thepain that you must be going through attempting to continue your sobriety whenyour wife is treating you as a roommate. I would challenge you with some tasks that may help, but also considerseeing a marriage counselor who understands sex addiction. She has probably endured the worst pain inher life as she has gone through your infidelity. The disloyalty of her husband cuts at thevery core of who God created her to be. She has experienced many losses and if those losses remain unaddressed,she cannot heal.

The process that helped me todeal with my husbands’ infidelity after he was well into recovery was that hepursued me. He didn’t use only words totell me that he loved me; he showed that he loved me. Each week, he asked me out on dates, broughtme flowers, cards and little gifts. Hecontinued his pursuit until I fell in love with him again. To be fair, we still go out on dates, but Ididn’t feel the need for cards, flowers and gifts any longer, I knew he love meand desired me. At first his wordsdidn’t mean anything, he had lied to me for 7 years why would I trust his wordsat that point? By taking the time tospend with me, actually desiring to spend time with me, I was able tounderstand that he really did want me and not those airbrushed perfect figureson the computer screen.

Ifthere is sexual anorexia in either partner, that will need to be addressed. Sexual anorexia is defined as a loss ofdesire for intimate, sexual interaction. It is depriving yourself emotionally,physically, and spiritually from each other. Patrick Carnes defines it as: "an obsessive state in which thephysical, mental, and emotional task of avoiding sex dominates one's life. Likeself-starvation with food or compulsive dieting or hoarding with money,deprivation with sex can make one feel powerful and defended against allhurts." Carnescontinues: in sexual anorexia the "preoccupation with the avoidance of sexcan seem to obliterate one's life problems. The obsession can then become a wayto cope with all stress and all life difficulties. Yet, as with otheraddictions and compulsions, the costs are great. In this case, sex becomes afurtive enemy to be continually kept at bay, even at the price of annihilatinga part of oneself." If a wife isexperiencing this, she needs help from a counselor who can help her get to the sourceof her issues, whether it be with you as her husband specifically or with menin general.

Sexual anorexia is anissue that is more common in a sex addict husband, but occurs in women also.The fact that it is more common in sex addicts is difficult for most wives tounderstand. We expect it would be theexact opposite and they would be hyper sexual. But the key to the definition is the word intimate. The aversion is not to sex, but rather thecommitted relationship. There is a real fear, often a true anxiety of anintimate, relational sexual interaction. Dr, Douglas Weiss addresses sexual anorexia onhis website, www.sexaddict.com. He states thefollowing characteristics of sexual anorexia: Withholding love, withholding praise, controlling with silence or anger,ongoing or ungrounded criticism, withholding sex, unwillingness or inability toshare feelings, staying so busy you have no time for your partner andcontrolling or shaming partner with money issues. Weiss says if five or more of these signs applyto you, you're probably a sexual anorexic.

Whena woman is suffering from sexual anorexia, the reasons are usually verydifferent than when men suffer from it. Many of us were brought up in very legalistic,religious families and that background has been difficult when it came to sexin our marriage. For other women, theremay have been sexual trauma or abuse. Whatever the reasons, it is important toseek help from a counselor who understands these issues.

"Sexual Anorexia:Overcoming Self-Hatred”, by Patrick Carnes is an excellent text for furtherinformation on this topic.

www.sexhelp.com – Patrick Carneswebsite.

Confrontation

2011-03-28T21:13:00.001-07:00

The pain of infidelity pierces the heart of a wife like nothing else. It rips away at the core of who she believes she is and who she believes the man is that she married. Infidelity may consist of pornography (either print or internet), an affair, or prostitutes and everything in between. All of these activities are adultery according to Scripture. Matthew 5:27-28 "You have heard that it was said, 'You shall not commit adultery.' But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart." (ESV)

One of the first issues that women deal with after discovery is confrontation. Sometimes a husband will tell their wife what is going on with them, but more often a wife will discover her husband's unfaithfulness. Unfortunately, at times, a child discovers his or her dad's pornography history on the computer. If a wife refuses to find the courage for a confrontation, the situation will continue and the husband's dual life will become worse and the addiction more entrenched. Confronting your husband will empower you and give you a self-confidence that you forgot that you had. Confrontation will help you to begin healing from the pain that he has caused in your marriage. When a wife first discovers her husband's unfaithfulness, it is best to confront the situation as soon as possible and let him know that she will not stand for it. This is the time for her to decide what changes she wants to see in her husband and set boundaries around those changes. Those boundaries need to include whatever will make her feel safe. Sometimes, she needs her husband to move out of the house in order to heal, other times she may decide that moving out of their bedroom is enough to help her to feel safe. She may decide that he can stay in their bed, but she needs him to not touch her. This is not done out of anger and not to throw verbal bombs at him or otherwise hurt him, but rather for her safety and healing.

I advise women to write their plan out and even better, go over it with a counselor who specializes in sex addiction such as a Certified Sexual Addiction Therapist (CSAT). ( http://www.iitap.com/find_csat.cfm ) Along with voicing her needs, she shares her hurt and anger (in a controlled way) over his sin and helps him to understand how serious this sin is and prayerfully that will spur him on to choosing to find help. He needs to understand through this confrontation that he could lose everything of value to him, his wife, his children, his home, his reputation. I liken it to "pulling the rug" out from under him and helping him to fall. This time you are not providing the safety net for him, but let him know you will be there when he is sober from his unfaithfulness. You can also provide resources, not by calling a therapist for him, but by offering therapist names and recovery groups and phone numbers if he needs them.

Confrontation is a Biblical teaching as we see in Matthew 15-17, "If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector. (ESV)

PODCAST: Pornography's Impact on College Students

2009-09-14T16:00:00.000-07:00

Pornography's Impact On College Students
A college minister shares his personal story about the impact pornography has had on his life and his steps toward recovery. He carries this message to other young men by helping them understand the impact of sexual brokenness, and how healing comes through accountability with other Christian men.

Listen Now (or right click to download)

Guest:
Nick Hamilton, Campus Minister - The Navigators (University of Tennessee, Knoxville).
The Navigators is a campus ministry dedicated to helping students know Christ in a deep and transforming way and to share the love of Christ with their friends.
www.navigators.org
Navigators - University of Tennessee, Knoxville

PODCAST: Freedom from Sexual Addiction

2009-09-07T16:00:00.000-07:00

Breaking Free - Finding Freedom from Sexual Addiction
Russell is the author of Breaking Free: Understanding Sexual Addiction and the Healing Power of Jesus. He oversees groups for men and women who struggle with relational brokenness, sexual addictions and homosexuality. He has worked extensively with Christian leaders (pastors, missionaries, etc.) dealing with sexual and relational brokenness as well.

Listen Now (or right click for download)

Guest:
Russell Willingham - Executive Director New Creation Ministries, Fresno, California.
www.ncmfresno.org

PODCAST: Support for Partners of Sexual Addicts

2009-08-31T16:00:00.000-07:00

Partners In Process - Support for Partners of Sexual Addicts
Three women involved in a Prodigals International Partners In Process group share how they have experienced healing through this support program.

August 31, 2009 - Listen Now (or right click to download)

Guests:
Dana, Heidi and Heather
www.prodigalsonline.org

PODCAST: Christian Addiction Recovery

2009-08-24T16:00:00.000-07:00

Christian Recovery - Honesty, Hope, and Healing for Addictions

Listen Now (or right click to download)

Guest:
Dr. Dale Ryan, M.Div - CEO of Christian Recovery International and Associate Professor of Recovery Ministry at Fuller Theological Seminary.
www.christianrecovery.com

PODCAST: Prodigals International Mentorship

2009-08-17T16:00:00.000-07:00

Prodigals International Mentorship - Accountability and Grace
Two Prodigals International Mentors and a Mentee share their experience, strength and hope about the Homecoming Mentorship program. Mentorship is a 1:1 program that helps men through the sexual addiction recovery process. This session discusses how the program works and the life change each man has experienced through the mentorship process.

Listen Now (or right click to download)

Guests:
Steve, Dave and Justin
www.prodigalsonlinonline.org

PODCAST: Sexual Addicts Disclosure to a Partner

2009-08-10T16:00:00.000-07:00

Disclosure - A Restorative Process for Broken Trust

Listen Now (or right click to download)

Guests:
Brie Bergman, MA, LMHC, CSAT - Women's Services Director, Bellevue Community Services, Bellevue, Washington.
Dr. Bill Lennon, EdD, CMHC, CMFT - Clinical Director, Bellevue Community Services, Bellevue, Washington.
www.bellevuecommunityservices.com

PODCAST: How to Save a Hopeless Marriage

2009-08-03T16:00:00.000-07:00

When Love Dies - How to Save a Hopeless Marriage

Listen Now (or right click to download)

Guests:
Larry Bodmer - Associate Pastor and Director of Biblical Ministries, Overlake Christian Church, Redmond, Washington

www.occ.org

Judy Bodmer - Speaker and Author of When Love Dies.
www.judybodmer.com

PODCAST: Coping with Sexual Addiction

2009-07-27T16:00:00.000-07:00

Coping with sexual temptation, moral failure, betrayal, and broken relationships

Listen Now (or right click to download)

Guests:
Drs. Earl and Sandy Wilson - Tuff Stuff Ministries, Milwaukie, Oregon.
www.tuffstuffministries.com

PODCAST: The Seven Desires of Every Heart

2009-07-20T16:00:00.000-07:00

The Seven Desires of Every Heart - Dr. Mark Laaser

Listen Now (or right click to download)

Guest:
Dr. Mark Laaser, P.hD, M.Div, President of Faithful and True Ministries, Eden Prairie, Minnesota.
www.faithfulandtrueministries.com

PODCAST: A Therapeutic Perspective on Sexual Addiction

2009-07-13T16:00:00.000-07:00

Responding to Sexual Addiction - A Therapeutic Perspective

Listen Now (or right click to download)

Guests:
Rob Baker, MA, LMFT, LMHC, CSAT - Licensed Mental Health Counselor, Bellevue, Washington.
www.nextstepcc.com

Dudley Miller, M.Div, CSAT - Mental Health Counselor, Bellevue, Washington.
helovesgolf@comcast.net

PODCAST: Understanding Sexual Addiction

2009-07-06T16:00:00.000-07:00

Understanding Sexual Addiction - Dr. Douglas Weiss
Heart to Heart Counseling provides comprehensive sexual addiction telephone counseling services for men, women, adolescents and families throughout the United States and Canada. Dr. Weiss has authored 20 books on marriage, men's issues, sexual addiction recovery and other self help books. Dr. Weiss is also a noted speaker, directly addressing men's, women's and couples issues. Heart to Heart Counseling offers 3-day intensive workshops for those seeking hope and healing.

Listen Now (or right click to download)

Guest:
Dr. Douglas Weiss - Executive Director and Licensed Psychologist at Heart to Heart Counseling Center, Colorado Springs, Colorado.
www.sexaddict.com

PODCAST: Internet Filtering and Accountability Software

2009-06-29T16:00:00.000-07:00

Covenant Eyes - Internet Accountability and Filtering Software
Covenant Eyes accountability software monitors Internet usage and automatically emails reports to people you select. Covenant Eyes Filter Service blocks objectionable websites from your computer.

Listen Now (or right click to download)

Guest:
Luke Gilkerson - Internet Community Manager
www.covenanteyes.com

PODCAST: Breaking the Silence of Sexual Addiction

2009-06-22T16:00:00.000-07:00

Breaking the Silence of Sexual Addiction
Deep Harbors Ministries helps the Christian Community and those afflicted with Pornography and Sexual Addiction.

Listen Now (or right click to download)

Guests:
Dale and Donna Stetson - Founders of Deep Harbors Ministries
www.deepharbors.org

PODCAST: Recovery for Partners of Sexual Addicts - Partners in Process

2009-06-15T16:00:00.000-07:00

Prodigals International Partners in Process Overview
The Partners in Process recovery program is designed to help partners of sexual addicts learn coping skills, share stuggles and experience healing and hope in a safe environment.

Listen Now (or right click to download)

Guests:
Karen Crawford - Prodigals International Women's Ministry Director
Heather - Partners in Process
www.prodigalsonline.org

PODCAST: A Reimagined Space for Women

2009-06-08T16:00:00.000-07:00

A Reimagined Space for Women
This program focused on the importance of women finding their voice to guard against co-dependency, perfectionism, and a diminished sense of self.

Listen Now (or right click to download)

Guests:
Hillary Augustine Vandenbos, MA, MAC
Martha Hopler, MSW, MSN
www.reimaginedspace.blogspot.com

PODCAST: Teens and Pornography - The Devastating Impact

2009-06-01T16:00:00.000-07:00

Educating Parents and Teens about Pornography
Illusions is a program that offers resources for educating parents and teens about the impact of pornography.

Listen Now (or right click to download)

Guest:
Jim Grenfell - Executive Director of Aware, Inc. and Program Director for Illusions.
www.illusionsprogram.net

PODCAST: Prodigals International 12-Step Program Overview

2009-05-25T16:00:00.000-07:00

Prodigals International Sexual Addiction Program Overview
An overview of the Prodigals International sexual addiction recovery program.

Listen Now (or right click to download)

Guest:
Steve
www.prodigalsonline.org

PODCAST: The Road to Recovery

2009-05-18T16:00:00.000-07:00

The Road to Recovery - A Sexual Addicts Story
A Prodigals International mentor shares his story of recovery.

Listen Now (or right click to download)

Guest:
Levi

PODCAST: Sexual Addiction - The Impact on Marriage

2009-05-11T16:00:00.000-07:00

Impact of Sexual Addiction on Marriage
Justin and Heidi share their painful but hopeful story about how their marriage relationship broke apart because of a sexual addiction and since has been restored by courageous involvement in a 12-step recovery program offered by Prodigals International.

Listen Now (or right click to download)

Guests:
Justin and Heidi

PODCAST: The Church and Recovery

2009-05-04T16:00:00.000-07:00

The Church and Recovery - A Pastors Perspective

Listen Now (or right click to download)

Guest:
Dave Browning - Lead Pastor, Christ The King Church, Worldwide locations.
www.ctkonline.com

PODCAST: Marriage Restoration and Sexual Addiction

2009-04-27T16:00:00.000-07:00

Marriage Restoration and Sexual Addiction
A married couple share their personal story of heartache and redemption on the journey to recovery.

Listen Now (or right click to download)

Guests:
Brian and Dana

PODCAST: Sex Addiction - The Recovery Process

2009-04-20T16:00:00.000-07:00

Sex Addiction and Recovery. The Recovery Process.

Listen Now (or right click to download)

Guests:
Jayme Koerselman, MA, LMHC - Licensed Mental Health Counselor, North Seattle and Bellevue, Washington.
www.kairoscounseling.com

Scott Burnett - Worship Director, Washington Cathedral, Redmond, Washington.
www.wacathedral.org

PODCAST: Sex Addiction - A Partner's Perspective

2009-04-13T16:00:00.000-07:00

Sex addiction and the Spouse. A Partner's Perspective.

Listen Now (or right click to download)

Guests:
Karen Crawford - Prodigals International Women's Ministry Director.
www.prodigalsonline.org

Cherrie Herrin-Michehl, MA, LMHC - Licensed Mental Health Counselor, Woodinville, Washington.
www.notjustsymptoms.com

PODCAST: What is Sex Addiction?

2009-04-06T16:00:00.000-07:00

What is sex addiction? A clinical perspective and the spiritual impact.

Listen Now (or right click to download)

Guests:
Dr. Bill Lennon - Bellevue Community Services, Bellevue Washington.
www.bellevuecommunityservices.com

Scott Brewer, Senior Pastor - Meadowbrook Church, Redmond, Washington.
www.meadowbrookchurch.com