I
was recently on a panel at a marriage conference, answering questions posed by
the audience. There were about 100
attendees and more than 30 questions prepared in advance on 3x5 cards. Needless to say, there is no way we could
respond to all of the questions in the 45 minutes or so that we had.
Two of the questions addressed
lack of sex in their marriage. One,
signed by SAD HUSBAND, had been married 25 years and enjoyed sex about 10
times. The other stated he had been
sexually sober for 3 years, but his wife refused to have sex.
While there are several issues
that need to be addressed, they both have similarities that can be tackled
here. If Sad Husband has been engaging
in adultery or infidelity of any kind, either virtual or physical, he must get
help through a counselor and possibly a 12 step group. If there is infidelity, his wife is going to
know that something is wrong and whether or not she knows of his betrayal, she
is likely to be guarded in her relationship with him.
First of all let me congratulate
the husband who has been sexually sober for 3 years. You have obviously done immense and very
difficult work. I can only imagine the
pain that you must be going through attempting to continue your sobriety when
your wife is treating you as a roommate.
I would challenge you with some tasks that may help, but also consider
seeing a marriage counselor who understands sex addiction. She has probably endured the worst pain in
her life as she has gone through your infidelity. The disloyalty of her husband cuts at the
very core of who God created her to be.
She has experienced many losses and if those losses remain unaddressed,
she cannot heal.
The process that helped me to
deal with my husbands’ infidelity after he was well into recovery was that he
pursued me. He didn’t use only words to
tell me that he loved me; he showed that he loved me. Each week, he asked me out on dates, brought
me flowers, cards and little gifts. He
continued his pursuit until I fell in love with him again. To be fair, we still go out on dates, but I
didn’t feel the need for cards, flowers and gifts any longer, I knew he love me
and desired me. At first his words
didn’t mean anything, he had lied to me for 7 years why would I trust his words
at that point? By taking the time to
spend with me, actually desiring to spend time with me, I was able to
understand that he really did want me and not those airbrushed perfect figures
on the computer screen.
If
there is sexual anorexia in either partner, that will need to be addressed. Sexual anorexia is defined as a loss of
desire for intimate, sexual interaction. It is depriving yourself emotionally,
physically, and spiritually from each other. Patrick Carnes defines it as: "an obsessive state in which the
physical, mental, and emotional task of avoiding sex dominates one's life. Like
self-starvation with food or compulsive dieting or hoarding with money,
deprivation with sex can make one feel powerful and defended against all
hurts." Carnes
continues: in sexual anorexia the "preoccupation with the avoidance of sex
can seem to obliterate one's life problems. The obsession can then become a way
to cope with all stress and all life difficulties. Yet, as with other
addictions and compulsions, the costs are great. In this case, sex becomes a
furtive enemy to be continually kept at bay, even at the price of annihilating
a part of oneself." If a wife is
experiencing this, she needs help from a counselor who can help her get to the source
of her issues, whether it be with you as her husband specifically or with men
in general.
Sexual anorexia is an
issue that is more common in a sex addict husband, but occurs in women also.
The fact that it is more common in sex addicts is difficult for most wives to
understand. We expect it would be the
exact opposite and they would be hyper sexual.
But the key to the definition is the word intimate. The aversion is not to sex, but rather the
committed relationship. There is a real fear, often a true anxiety of an
intimate, relational sexual interaction. Dr, Douglas Weiss addresses sexual anorexia on
his website, www.sexaddict.com. He states the
following characteristics of sexual anorexia:
Withholding love, withholding praise, controlling with silence or anger,
ongoing or ungrounded criticism, withholding sex, unwillingness or inability to
share feelings, staying so busy you have no time for your partner and
controlling or shaming partner with money issues. Weiss says if five or more of these signs apply
to you, you're probably a sexual anorexic.
When
a woman is suffering from sexual anorexia, the reasons are usually very
different than when men suffer from it. Many of us were brought up in very legalistic,
religious families and that background has been difficult when it came to sex
in our marriage. For other women, there
may have been sexual trauma or abuse. Whatever the reasons, it is important to
seek help from a counselor who understands these issues.
"Sexual Anorexia:
Overcoming Self-Hatred”, by Patrick Carnes is an excellent text for further
information on this topic.
