Monday, March 28, 2011


The pain of infidelity pierces the heart of a wife like nothing else. It rips away at the core of who she believes she is and who she believes the man is that she married. Infidelity may consist of pornography (either print or internet), an affair, or prostitutes and everything in between. All of these activities are adultery according to Scripture. Matthew 5:27-28 "You have heard that it was said, 'You shall not commit adultery.' But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart." (ESV)

One of the first issues that women deal with after discovery is confrontation. Sometimes a husband will tell their wife what is going on with them, but more often a wife will discover her husband's unfaithfulness. Unfortunately, at times, a child discovers his or her dad's pornography history on the computer. If a wife refuses to find the courage for a confrontation, the situation will continue and the husband's dual life will become worse and the addiction more entrenched. Confronting your husband will empower you and give you a self-confidence that you forgot that you had. Confrontation will help you to begin healing from the pain that he has caused in your marriage. When a wife first discovers her husband's unfaithfulness, it is best to confront the situation as soon as possible and let him know that she will not stand for it. This is the time for her to decide what changes she wants to see in her husband and set boundaries around those changes. Those boundaries need to include whatever will make her feel safe. Sometimes, she needs her husband to move out of the house in order to heal, other times she may decide that moving out of their bedroom is enough to help her to feel safe. She may decide that he can stay in their bed, but she needs him to not touch her. This is not done out of anger and not to throw verbal bombs at him or otherwise hurt him, but rather for her safety and healing.
I advise women to write their plan out and even better, go over it with a counselor who specializes in sex addiction such as a Certified Sexual Addiction Therapist (CSAT). ( ) Along with voicing her needs, she shares her hurt and anger (in a controlled way) over his sin and helps him to understand how serious this sin is and prayerfully that will spur him on to choosing to find help. He needs to understand through this confrontation that he could lose everything of value to him, his wife, his children, his home, his reputation. I liken it to "pulling the rug" out from under him and helping him to fall. This time you are not providing the safety net for him, but let him know you will be there when he is sober from his unfaithfulness. You can also provide resources, not by calling a therapist for him, but by offering therapist names and recovery groups and phone numbers if he needs them.
Confrontation is a Biblical teaching as we see in Matthew 15-17, "If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector. (ESV)